Suspicious crowd of a Doom Metal band with zero bearded members

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DETROIT — Crowd members attending a show title by doom metal band Wretched Wizard questioned the band’s authenticity when they noticed their lack of long, disheveled facial hair, multiple sources report. .

“Once the smoke machine quieted down and we got to see what the band was really like, I, like many, had a few questions,” doom metal fan Angela Green said as she opened her burrito. Chipotle. “Like, first of all, why wouldn’t a band with ‘wizard’ in the name have members with long white beards? Also, no member of the band was overweight, these guys had seemed like I was jogging for fun. I felt like doom bands needed at least one big guy. At one point I thought they might have been Mormons or maybe even undercover cops or something.However, I don’t think a cop or a Mormon would smoke weed from a real human skull halfway through like that.

Wretched Wizard guitarist Brian Gonzalez explained the band’s history of confusion in the doom metal scene.

“No matter what city or state we play in, we always get the same funny looks and the same confused looks,” Gonzalez said. “A lot of times people don’t just question our dominance of doom metal, they’re just real bullies to us. Comments like “Oh look, it’s Babyface Sabbath!” and ‘Get off the stage, no weird beards!’ Once when we were playing in Baltimore, our bass player’s fake ZZ Top beard fell off in the middle of our set. Now we are too embarrassed to book anything in the entire state of Maryland because of this.”

Doom metal expert George Brennan explained how some doom bands have encountered similar issues in the past.

“For true doom metal to stay beardless and retain the aesthetic of doom, it has to get creative and catch up,” Brennan said, playing with her cross-shaped necklace. “In the 80s, Sweden’s top doom metallers Candlemass totally mastered the genre without a single beard on their face. Not a single person was suspicious though because they made up for it by having a poofy haired guy in a monk’s cape stomping on stage. It’s probably worse than having a shitty beard.

As of press time, the Wretched Wizard singer was seen entering a hair salon restroom with a large bag of cut hair and a tube of model glue.

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